Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Molten Java spilling the beans

I met with Sandi today. She is a reporter for the Danbury News times. She is also a fellow runner in the Woodbridge running group. I recently joined. She is a petite fast runner, very warm, with many children, and seems to easily make friends. Sandi is doing a story on the running club, and a separate piece on me. I have what will unravel slowly as an unbelievable, compelling story: a story of struggle, addiction, health issues, mental issues and pure determination. Some days this determination has a direction, others it quietly boils within...always there. I told Sandi  a bullet point timeline, finding myself saying" off the record" wondering: s there really such a thing? I mean once you put it out there, is it not indeed " on the record"? Either way, as I chose my words ( of which I rarely do) and emphasized my dislike for disclosing personal information that could possible be relayed as either drama or sympathy  as I also do not care for the rubber necking crowd that is so prominent in our society, I told her simply, as I whipped through years of my life, story after story; I just want to inspire. To give someone hope to keep going, or give them an idea of a coping method, or just purely for entertainment... Of which I will do with this blog.

I will write as I speak, sometimes humorous, always honest, many times raw. I am smart woman, trapped in a life that I love, yet despise. I only feel whole when the ball is rolling ...and only rolling forward. There is nothing more unpleasant than being stagnant, than waiting for more. Than being stuck, in our own mind, routines, circle of people or job. I am a definition of this. I work in a restaurant that I worked in 20 years ago. I watch myself and everyone around me become older. Life going by so fast as the cliche always tells us, but none of us believe it. The feeling of not wasting any precious moment becomes stronger and stronger. I have a perspective on life, on struggles, and even the constant ridiculous struggle I deal with every day that makes me not so much unique, but rather positive at some moments, weak and disparaging at others, but all the while pushing through the every now and then self-inflicted situation that makes parts of my life astounding and others downright comical. We all have our own list of "rules,"  of moral fiber that holds us together , or doesn't. I am full of ideas, fear, motivation, love, resentment, confidence and too much self doubt. I push through the way we all do, but I am pushing for more. More understanding, from others and myself, more connection, more exposed raw truths. The intensity of life is what  whether we all participate or not, makes us feel alive, gives us drive, makes that inner voice yell while we stuff more in to muffle it. I hear the voice, I have tried for years to fight it, and now...I am closing my eyes, opening my ears and diving in, head first.

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