I awoke at 6:45 am and stumbled around
the morning, coffee in hand, layering running clothing. I am uncertain
what drives me on these mornings as I have never been able to get up for
anything else- school, work, doctor appointments. Working nights and maintaining
a constant self-preservation mode until the early hours of the morning prevent
me from feeling anything close to exuberance in the morning.
I arrived at the runners group meet-up late. The group had
already left 15 minutes earlier in the first of three five-mile loops. Two
others stood in the parking lot. We decided to not waste any time lingering. We
started at a steady pace, but after a few miles I hold back a bit. I was
planning on completing the full fifteen-mile run. I watched my friends who had just
met in the last mile instantly bond. They were chatting away with the rising
sun. We caught up to the rest of the group at 8:30. We set out again through suburban
neighborhoods, down busy roads. By mile eight, I got a sudden out-of-body
familiar sense. I looked around me, within me, and slowly fell into a steady
pace. My body lightened, my shoulders lowered. Finally, I felt like I was
breathing. I heard the birds, and the despair from the nighttime faded away
while the sun shone faintly across my face. I began to consider the coming
hours of a busy Saturday. The hours working hard in a place I have spent many
years. The monotony of each footstep of a busy night at the restaurant fights against
the peace and connection I feel to running. To the earth under my feet. I carry
that feeling to the people I interact with, what I draw from them, whether it
be it a familiar face or a stranger. It is a never-ending quest to come out of
myself, out of that self-conscious and anxious existence I sometimes lead. I go
back to the feeling of hovering over myself at mile eight. I
grab onto that moment of peace and keep moving forward.
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