Would you like feta on your salad?

  I  can be positive.  I can often see the good in situations and people. This new blog is bringing out a positive force within me. That said, I have more than my equal share of bad days. The days I am constantly trying to run from the grit in my story. The still questionable choices I make. The days I cannot control my temper. The days that I do not take care of myself, emotionally or physically. The days I push so hard, too hard. I have stories that make me who I am today, that make me react the way I do. There are common threads in my life, patterns we all have, that are prevalent in our lives.  When we recognize them and they make us uncomfortable enough, this is when we opt to change. Or when we decide to just live with them, when we tolerate behavior,  in ourselves or others,  and that tolerating eats away at us,  numbs us, and keeps us farther away from what we need to do, want to do or should do.  I am generous, even when I do not have the means to be so. I love people. I despise people. I have no tolerance for passive aggressive behavior. I am constantly pointing out this behavior to my ten year old son, Elijah. I explain to him that the way you express yourself and how you put those words together can make you feel more powerful. For example, Elijah will say: “Oh, [spoken with a desperate sigh) I am so thirsty.” Now that sounds like a normal thing that a ten year old would say. BUT it is astounding how typical it is of adult behavior. I explain to Elijah the difference. The power that HE has by saying: "Mom, can I have a drink? I am thirsty.” Saying what you want, insisting even. I then pull from life an everyday example...
  Customer (say an over forty year old woman): “Oh, I forgot to ask for cheese on my salad," whining slightly, with a desperate audible sigh. I respond with a strong, direct voice: "Would you like me to bring you cheese? It is not a problem at all." Ok, to my dear reader this sounds absurd. What the hell is she talking about, a freaking salad and a ten year old wanting a drink of water? 

I then continue, telling my son that if she had just confidently said to me: "I forgot to ask for cheese. Can I please have some?” Then, instantly, she asserts herself. Instantly, in my world, she is worthy of something. Something more than a sprinkle of cheese. She is being direct, not wishy-washy, but confident in what she wants. This ridiculously minor example still provides an insight into this woman, perhaps she is direct in everything, perhaps she is successful, or on her way to becoming successful. Perhaps she too is training herself to become more powerful, effective or direct. Of course, Elijah is also quite witty and sharp,  and with  a slight smirk on his face, he  scoffs  at the idea that asking for cheese in a restaurant can REALLY direct, change or mold your life. I point out how much more appealing the woman is because she just dropped the passive aggressive, waste of energy dance, and took the bull by the horns. I told him how many people operate on this level, and are just spinning in circles. 

I should have asked this, I should have said that. If only I did this...

Being a mother, my behavior is brought much more into focus. I have evolved considerably watching another human being emulate my behaviors. I often see in him what I want to change in myself, and at times this vision is intense and sharp. I See his anxieties and fears so clearly, and know where these come from. My patterns are becoming his. One of my biggest struggles in life is staying positive, giving a shit about other people when sometimes they may not deserve it. I am trying to like myself in any situation, regardless of the pain or ridiculousness of it. Do I do this every day? No.  I get swallowed up in my own lack of confidence, my own co-dependence, of being too concerned and preoccupied predicting what others might say and might feel. Yes, the more we identify one pattern, no matter how minuscule, the more we start to see all the larger ones. The more you take control, the more power you have. Call yourself and others out on when they say one thing and mean something else. Go ahead, ask for what you want or what  you need, what you wished you had...GO ahead-it could change your life.